Part I: Surviving the worst party house in America.

 Tip #1: Never under any circumstances allow the land lords to come inside the house. This isn't some sort of fucking state park, people can't be allowed to wonder around the house, even if they “own” the place. In a perfect world, you should make a “go” bag like some sort of movie con-man and upon seeing the land lord pull in the driveway immediately grab that bag and go anywhere else. If you were to awake one day and they are already outside you have only one option really, stay inside, fuck whatever plans you had, I don't care if it's finals week Jeff you're fucking staying inside. If for some reason one of you dip shits do go outside avoid making eye-contact or even moving in their general direction move fast and show no fear.

            Tip #2: The hole in the floor is fine. All homes have their small issues and ours was no exception. One of the first things you might notice is the slight hole in the floor. But, I mean, it's no big deal really, just because you can see all the way to the foundation it's nothing to get all concerned about. From what I've learned the whole is probably too small for large varmints to crawl through, and I mean whose afraid of small varmints, grow some balls and grab a bat. Not to mention the hole adds a level of class to the house, the Titanic had a whole in it and it was the classiest fucking ship in the world. One slight draw back that you should be aware of, in the winter time the hole does make the house a bit, let's say drafty, I'd recommended buying a heated blanket, and space heater never hurt anyone either, maybe sleep in a below zero sleeping bag too, just in case.

            Tip #3 The hole(s) in the wall(s) add character.  Scars are what make men, they give us stories of heroism and bravery that we can tell to trick a girl into letting touch them, even if that scar is really from where you fell off a swing set in fourth grade and landed on a piece of glass. I mean where the fuck did you even go to school to have had glass on the god damn playground, Brett? Where, Compton? Anyway, the point being, sometimes flaws add to appearance and the few minor (body size) holes in the walls in the house are no exception. I mean sure it's concerning that there isn't any insulation in any of them, and the studs are six to eight feet apart, but that's just basic carpentry, Jesus was a carpenter and I'm sure if I ever read the bible it wouldn't mention anything about insulation. You could try to call someone to fix them, even though the last guy we called walked in, saw the holes, apologized, and left, but that's just a minor setback.

            Tip #4 Never, ever, ever, jump off the loft.  If you ever find yourself with feet dangling over the edge of the death trap that is the third-floor loft you should promptly back away, curl into a little ball and think about where your life went wrong. That place is a god damn death trap, sure it doesn't look that far down, trust me it is. And even if you think ladders are for gdi pussies and girls you still really shouldn't jump. I know that you've seen Bear Grylls jump of cliffs and land on the ground and roll out and be just fine, that isn't what going to happen, you are not Bear fucking Grylls. What is going to happen is that your drunk ass is going to slam into the jungle juice soaked floor and your big dumb face is going to smack that same floor seconds later. When you're lucky enough to regain your senses, and try and get up your going to discover that you've cracked your elbow, broken your nose, tore your ACL, and shit yourself. Congratulations you've hit rock bottom.

            Tip #5 The animals that live around (and possibly in) the house are essential to maintain the fragile ecosystem that keep the house standing. It's simple science really, the food chain and ecosystem and shit. The squirrels eat the trash that we leave sitting out on the back porch for weeks at a time, in turn the feral cats eats the squirrels and the bear size raccoons eat the cats. It is essential to leave the trash out, otherwise the squirrels are skinner, the cats too, and soon you have a bunch of angry starving raccoons waiting for you to stumble out back during a party to take a piss. So, if you don't want to lose your dick don't make the long trip to the trash cans, just throw it out back, or else.

            Tip #6 Mold grows very quickly, look before you eat/drink/sit/walk/breathe. As we all learned last spring this house is a man crusher. John was one of the bright spots in this pirate ship we call a group of distinguished gentlemen and him contracting tuberculosis was sad, sure but there is something to learn from it. Mold is bad, it's very, very bad and can cause you to get a third world illness that we all thought was eradicated from America long ago. Just be careful in the house you know, really the lesson we should learn from John is that he didn't take his weekly chores seriously enough. There's a reason that we have to bleach the sinks, showers, toilet, and fridge every Sunday, if you don't you get tuberculosis and die. #RIPJohn. Don't slack on your chores and don't eat or drink anything that's been sitting around for like 30 minutes, or 15 to be safe.        

              Tip #7 Don't offer Raul tacos and tequila at the Fiesta party. I really shouldn’t have to go over this, hopefully after the whole “fucking the candy out of the piñata” incident last year there won't be another Fiesta party, but just in case be respectful of the neighbors. Raul is a nice man that doesn't ask much of us, just because he came over and asked us to turn down the music at four doesn't mean he is a bad man, a party pooper sure, but not a bad man. Not only was offering him tacos and tequila slightly racist (or was it? It was theme party. But then calling him a chollo that was racist, Brad) it was also a poor decision we were running low on both tacos and tequila. Even though he took them doesn't mean it should happen again, Raul has a drinking problem and is on a diet for his high cholesterol, it's bad enough we're ruining our life, let's not drag him into this inescapable abyss with us.

            Tip #8 Don't drink the water coming out of the air vents, ever. No, it's not some sort of high class party accessory, that's shit water. If your ever unfortunate enough to see the water dripping out of the vents and live downstairs you should immediately find the most attractive girl in the area, tell her you just found out you have liver cirrhosis (Hey, you might) and you have a day left to live. If you live upstairs and see water flowing out of the bathroom door, bust through that son of bitch, disregard the people (probably) fucking in the shower and shut off the water. You can clean up the mess the next day, the important part is that you find an empty handle of taka and tell people you spilled the whole thing on the floor and that nothing is wrong.          

            Tip #9 The house swallows’ souls, become religious or something.  There are many reasons to seek God in your life, maybe you just lost your house, kids, and half of your shit to that cheating bimbo from the strip club we all told you not to marry. Maybe you awaken in the drunk tank for the third time this year after trying to ride the mechanical bull at the Cowboy club. Living in this place will fall under that category soon enough, I know your excited to move in, and things will be different this time, all the new guys moving in are super chill and responsible, but I'm telling you now, things will not be different. One day you'll wake up, throw last night's pizza box off your bed onto your clothe covered floor, rummage around until you find enough clothes to wear outside that don't smell like death and head to class, then on that faithful walk to class you'll realize that I was right and you’re slowly dying inside. I'm not going to suggest a particular religion I would however recommend steering away from Islam, I hear there not big on drinking. I would also recommend avoiding becoming Baptist, there are a lot of guilt heavy sermons to sit through for that. It would also probably be good to avoid Hinduism as well, they have that whole Karma thing, you had better pray what goes around doesn't come back around. In fact, most religions frown on the awful deeds that you will commit while living in this Petri dish of sin. I guess the Catholics will forgive you though, maybe start there.

            Tip #10 This house isn't a house you should bring your parents to.  Pay attention, this one is important. Your parents love you (probably) and they want the best for you (most likely), therefore if you show them where your spending your nights they are not going to think it's nearly as cool as you do. They will either pack up all of you shit, throw it in the back of the CR-V, drag the mattress out to the curb and hit you over the head and take your disappointing ass back home or to rehab, or they will disown you, have a funeral, bury an empty casket and hope Donny can do better now that he is the only child. So, if you like having a family then you should never let them see this genital wart of a house, ever.

            Tip #11 The pipes will freeze and the heater will go out in the middle of winter, but that's fine. One night you and the boys will put a good load on and forget to leave the pipes running, it happens. The next day as your pouring a gallon of water into the back of a runny, slightly bloody shit filled toilet, you will hear the heater locking up. These things happen all the time, there's no reason to be concerned, especially if you've planned ahead. All you'll have to do is start showering at the Rec center and go by three or four electric heaters for your room. For some reason, I don't know what, certainly not the hole in the floor quite possibly leading to hell or the total lack of insulation in the entire fucking house, but for whatever reason the heater has problems when it has to run all the time for weeks straight. In this situation, you'll want to actually contact the land lord, be sure they're not within a couple of time zones though, and tell them of your troubles. They'll get a hold of Ol' reliable Randy and he will come and fix the heat within like five to seven business days. As for the water, just leave the taps open and when they thaw out everything will be fine, I guess, it worked last time.

            Tip #12 Never break character, everything is fine. It's very important to never alarm anyone during a party. I know the ceiling downstairs shakes when more than five people are dancing upstairs, that's fine. I know someone threw up in the sink, stuffed toilet paper down it and left it running, no big deal. Sure, those six football players aren't supposed to be here, but they could fold your ass up like a fucking origami swan, just let it go. During a party, you need to be like Patrick Swazye in Road House, you have to keep a level head, and then when things really start to take a bad turn you should be more like your Uncle Rob and chug a bottle of the nearest alcohol. Really what's most important is that everyone has fun at the party, the structural integrity of the house should be a distant (not that far, though) second to how fucking awesome the party is.

One Shining Moment: A tale of championship debauchery

Part II: Surviving the worst party house in America.