Part II: Surviving the worst party house in America.

Tip #13 Don't invite brothers from another chapter when they’re in town.  This plays out one of two ways. The first way is that they come over, see the shit hole you guys live in and leave, some of them might even cry on the way out. The second way, the worse of the two, is that they come over, see your total lack of disrespect for the place that you've been depositing your hard-earned money into and they like it. They don't just like, they fucking love it. They're going to get really drunk, then they're going to join the gang in fucking shit up. If one of them passes out his boys are going to take the air hockey table and all the other furniture they can and stack it on top of his low tolerance having ass. Sure, they're going to have fun and probably come back for another round, but is the air hockey table sized hole in the wall really worth it? I mean probably those guys were actually pretty cool, disregard this tip or don't, I don't give a fuck.

            Tip #14 If the cops come someone has to live in the house. If the campus officers arrive and start asking questions it's pretty easy to say that you don't live here and wipe your hands of the situation, the problem is that someone actually has to live here otherwise they come inside and you do not want that to happen. The best thing is to man up stumble out to their cruiser (be sure to put your drink down) and answer their questions. They’re going to be like is everyone 21? have you been drinking? What would you parents think if they saw you like this? Just be honest with them and they'll usually let you off with a warning or a veiled threat about contacting the Dean and stopping you from walking at graduation, but these are just bluffs. (Hopefully, I guess we'll see in May) Turn the music down for a hot second and continue to rage, “Fuck the police, no justice, no peace.”

            Tip #15 People are going to pass out or go missing, that's their problem. Living in the house means that you’re responsible for the party and all of that shit but that doesn't mean that you’re responsible for the people there (Well, I mean legally it does, but this isn't a courtroom). Live your life man, and I know no one has seen Brandon in three weeks but I'm sure he's fine, that guy he was trying to by pot from on the street corner looked very respectable. #FindBrandon. Listen you have enough problems and you don't need anymore, if people pass out outside tell yourself their camping, take a swig of Jim Beam and go back inside.

            Tip #16 Duct tape does not in fact fix everything. Duct tape has long been rumored to fix everything, it doesn't. It doesn't fix a broken stair, it doesn't fix a leaking pipe and it sure as fuck doesn't fix the fridge door. Living here you’re going to face problems like this but you’re going to need to be responsible and stop using the stairs, stop using the kitchen sink and stop buying food that need to be refrigerated. 

            Tip #17 Even if it means eating alone in an empty Burger King, it's better than having to eat a meal here. This one is rather self-explanatory, it's good to get out of the house once in a while (especially if the house is slowly killing you!) and have a nice meal. Look, a lot of people eat alone, sure most of them are gdi fucks, or serial killers, but fuck that, trust me you'll want to be eating as many meals away from the house as possible. And a bit of good news, on Thursdays around three there is usually some sort of heated business meeting between a group of Persians at the Burger King, so I mean, there's that.

            Tip #18 Always go to her place. This is a good tip to pick up for the rest of your life, sure some guys like home field advantage, whatever the fuck that is, but it's almost always better to go to a girl's house when you’re looking to sow some wild oats. This is definitely the case if you're going to be moving into this place, honestly it just saves time, you won't have to deal with a shit ton of questions like, why is there a literal pile of trash on one side of the bed? Is that obvious electrical clicking sound normal? What would your parents think if they saw you like this? Not to mention the fact that if you do choose to fornicate here there is always the chance that you may contract some sort of rare disease, rug burn can easily turn into staph infection.

            Tip #19 People leave things behind during parties, either steal it or throw it away, fuck those people. This is another one of those morality issues that you might have a problem with when you first move in, but wait a couple of months and you'll get it. It has become common place for people to leave keys, cell phones and clothing behind, just chuck all of that shit in the trash. I guess you could keep the clothes or the keys if you’re feeling super creepy, but definitely just throw the phones out. It looks pretty suspicious when someone calls their phone and it starts ringing in your dresser. Most of the time it helps to pretend to look for peoples shit for a minute or two but after that just leave them to look for themselves, who cares about their problems, Syrian refugees have nicer homes than you.

            Tip #20 Never make eye contact with Crazy Berta or Ricky. We've already mentioned one of the neighbors, Raul, he's a stand-up citizen(?) compared to Berta and Ricky. You'll want to avoid them at all cost, all of the cost. If they're knocking on the door they probably want you to come over and check out some of their 1990's radio shack gear their trying to sell for meth, just ignore them they'll go away, probably. Sometimes they will call the cops on the party, it happens just let it go, these people are fucking crazy. This should go without saying but never let Berta into a party, no one needs a 35-year-old government sponge going around the house telling people she's trying to get the D, it really puts a damper on the whole party.

            Tip #21 Buy a first aid kit, hell buy two.  Bad things are going to happen to you while you live here, move past that, you're going to need to get yourself a first aid kit so you don't die. A basic one will do fine for the first couple of months, or weeks, you'll want to buy a bottle of medical alcohol too, don't drink it. 

            Tip #22 The only way to end a party is by turning off the power and screaming violent threats. Again, this is something that you'll learn as you go along, nothing but this works. People for whatever reason refuse to leave this fucking place, they think because you’re having a party on a Friday night that means that Saturday at six in the fucking morning is the same thing, it isn't. If you think playing scream-o or sad country music will work you're only fooling yourself, people will stay here and listen to that shit for hours. On the rare occasion, you might even need to chase people out of the house with a knife, I mean don't use it, but you know scare them a little bit.

            Tip #24 Be aware of your surroundings. This has a lot of different meanings, one if you see someone with a flashlight in the backyard, that's probably a cop. Another good example of needing to be aware of your surroundings is when your escorting three offensive linemen out of the house and they don't want to leave. Be sure that you have a group of burly fucks behind you before you try and fight them otherwise you'll end up covered in mud being sit on by a Remington finalist.

            Tip #25 If all else fails there's always Alaska. If you have failed to read this list until after something terrible has happened, then you still have an out. What you will want to do is order a high end fake ID, gather up all the things you want to take with you, call your parents and tell them that you’re over life and have decided to end it all (it's important that they think your dead), then burn the house down, drive to Seattle and board a boat to Alaska. With the fake ID you should be able to secure some kind of employment and live a nice solitary life there, sure you could have been a doctor but now you get to crab fish and bang Eskimos, that's not a bad trade. Be sure to pull out a couple of teeth and leave in your bed so the cops buy into the whole suicide by arson deal.

Part I: Surviving the worst party house in America.

The Judge